This word and I have a long, sometimes up, sometimes down history. I’ve said before that I used to pride myself on not showing emotion and being completely unemotional about most things in my life, good or bad. This would cause me to look critically at those who practically puke out emotions and then wear those emotions for all to see and take pity upon. I never wanted to burden others with my thoughts and feelings, those who did that to me, I couldn’t stand. Didn’t they know they looked pathetic and like they were begging for attention? It was better to be unmoved, not needy, not dependant on anyone, basically, alone.
As I moved into college, that island mentality slowly began to erode. Finally I could say I was open to people and relationships, and it felt good to give up that island.
Now, I’m learning in a whole new way what it means to leave nothing hidden. How is that even possible for someone who practiced NOT sharing what was really going on? There are so many things that I have convinced myself are not worth sharing. They are unimportant. Meaningless. Just not worth it. That easily translates into believing that I am those things.
Scary, since I always thought I had a very solid and positive picture of myself. That is a revelation I should unpack.